


when the smoke clears

by hhaeshichan



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, M/M, Secret Relationship, Semi-Toxic Relationship, Smoking, Talking, i guess it's a happy ending? idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 18:02:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17370764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hhaeshichan/pseuds/hhaeshichan
Summary: They should have clashed. (They do.)They should have fought over everything like they did, and broken it off quickly like they didn't. (They aren't in love anymore. But they're still here.)





	when the smoke clears

Seungkwan lets out a sigh, and he slowly takes his hand off the doorknob. “Talk to me someday, hyung. This shouldn’t be everything to you. I thought I was important too.” Footsteps echo through the hall. The front door makes a loud, annoying creak as it opens and shuts, signaling someone entering or leaving.

Soonyoung knows it’s the latter.

That night, he falls asleep on the little bench on the balcony of their dorms, and the members look at him in confusion. He never does answer them why.

-//-

“I was in love with you once.”

“Once? You’re just going to leave it like this, huh.”

“I don’t know anymore.”

“It seems like you really don’t.”

"..."

“I wish I still loved you.”

“Me too.”  ~~ _I really wish he did. Now we're stuck._~~

-//-

“You smoke?” Soonyoung, in his surprise, quickly inhales way too much smoke and chokes a little bit. Seungkwan does not look amused. He sends the older a glare. “You smoke.” He repeats, rephrasing it as a statement this time. He already knows the answer anyways.

“I do now.” Soonyoung takes another hit and rests his chin on his hand. He slouches over himself, the thin fabric of his sleeveless tank stretching over his back. Seungkwan can almost count the ribs he sees through the arm holes.

“That’s going to kill you sooner or later.”

“Good then.”

-//-

“Stop being so fucking stubborn. We have work to do.”

“Shut up, let me.”

“You aren’t about to jeopardize everything we’ve been doing for the whole month for some time alone. The manager hyungs are waiting. We’re going, and if you aren’t—”

“Then what? You’re destroying yourself already, let me do the same.”

“They can’t know.”

“About what? The smoking or this?” ~~_Whatever this is._~~

“Both.”

-//-

Seungkwan pokes at the cigarette in Soonyoung’s mouth. “It smells like peppermint.”

“It is,” the older mumbles. He reaches up and pulls the cigarette out of his mouth, the smoke escaping through the gaps.

“You are going to get cancer.” Seungkwan frowns. “Our fans won’t be happy if you dug your own grave by forty.” The _I won’t be happy too_ is left unsaid.

Soonyoung scoffs. “Like that would stop me.”

“You don’t love them?”

He feels like that’s a trick question. “I do.” It is a quiet whisper into the night. It feels like a truth and a lie all at once. He loves his fans, he does, but he feels a little bitter. He wishes he could have a little more love to give to the boy in front of him. He's trying his best, but he knows that it's not enough.

-//-

“I’m not in love with you anymore.”

“Okay.”

“Hyung?”

“What is it?”

“You know you scare me sometimes."  ~~ _I'm scared that you're going to drop dead one day and leave me._~~

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

-//-

“You should probably stop.”

“Then you should stop coming to the balcony whenever I’m here.”

Seungkwan scoffs. “As if I’m going to let that thing kill you.” He sits down beside Soonyoung on the little bench, and the two of them stare into oblivion, not acknowledging anything further. Their hands touch lightly, as if the other wasn’t there. But they were both there to stay.

-//-

“You’re not giving me any reason to stay.”

“Then why are you still here?”

_~~You’ve given me every reason to leave. I don’t know why I’m still here. Maybe it’s because I want to be or maybe because it’s you.~~ _

_-//-_

“You’re going to kill your voice, you know that right?”

Soonyoung pauses, cigarette to between his lips.

Seungkwan notices this, but doesn’t comment. He sits down beside the older and rests his head on his shoulder hesitantly. The night is quiet, and the air is filled with the smell of smoke, peppermint and vanilla from that generic shampoo the younger found somewhere in the dorm.

Something is different. They’re both sleep deprived, starved of time away from work. Soonyoung only holds his cigarette between two fingers, his legs too tired to even move. Seungkwan speaks in soft rasps, like the only thing that will kill that something is noise.

“You know,” Soonyoung speaks up, soft enough not to break whatever tranquility there is, “I miss when things were easier.” Seungkwan hums in response. He intertwines his fingers with the older’s free hand, and traces patterns into his palm. The weight on Soonyoung’s shoulder is heavier than it should be with how soft Seungkwan was treating him. He doesn’t like feeling like glass.

Seungkwan doesn’t give him a verbal response. The _me too_ is left unsaid. It always seems to be so quiet with the both of them despite how loud they are normally.

Normally being a strong term.

Quiet seems to be their new normal.

Soonyoung takes another drag of his cigarette. The smoke dissolves into the cold air. He stares almost mesmerized at it, yet he feels blank, empty. The stress must be getting to him.

“At this rate,  _you’re_  going to kill your voice with all the second-hand smoke you’re inhaling,” he teases, with an underlying note of concern. He’s a dancer. He could always focus on dancing if his voice goes, maybe even rapping if he’s lucky. But Seungkwan is a singer through and through. He can’t lose his voice, not when he’s in the prime of his life and his career. He doesn’t know why Seungkwan even deals with this, with him, with them. Seungkwan doesn’t seem to agree.

“I won’t lose my voice as much as you won’t. Besides, I don’t mind.”  _B _ecause you’re with me__  remains unspoken, but Soonyoung gets it this time.

And yet again, there is quiet.

Quiet that shouldn’t work. Quiet that Soonyoung so painstakingly not to be.

So he tries.

“I missed you.”

He had torn him and himself to pieces over this. Over everything. They are both stubborn, witty, and perfectionists. They should have clashed. They should have fought over everything like they did, and broken off quickly like they didn’t.

But a small but loud part of Soonyoung wants them to work. He wants them to figure everything out. He wants it to work, but they don’t have time, and he wonders why they never have time, and  _everything is just too much now_ -

“Me too,” Seungkwan whispers. And suddenly Soonyoung’s not the only person who wants it to work. They can try. They can always try.

Soonyoung tries to calm himself down. He reminds himself that they're in their prime. Young twenty-somethings living out their dream in the city, best friends, brothers, and first loves by their sides. He reminds himself that they have so much to work for, so much still out of their reach. But they still have time, and that thought seemed to be enough for now.

A silent exchange occurs, unknown to all except for two, in the form of a chaste kiss to their intertwined hands on a vanilla and peppermint scented balcony.

In a few hours, Soonyoung will have to go back to his room while Seungkwan waits for the others to come back with his room key. They will have reluctantly let go of each other’s hand. They’ll see each other again tomorrow, they will always see each other tomorrow, and yet the lingering gazes they will part with will stay in their minds, leaving them content, and maybe a little too confused or thoughtful to fall asleep. In a few hours, everything will be back to normal, but only Soonyoung and Seungkwan will change; they will know what happened. Only them two, with a silent promise, will understand.

They will try. They will have each other.

But for now, they slump against one another watching the stray car or biker pass by from above. For now, they don’t have to try, because right now is okay too where they don’t have to care. They have all the time in the world. Until tomorrow.

Soonyoung’s peppermint cigarette is left, ashy and forgotten on the ground as the smoke clears.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on twitter i guess @hhaeshichan idk what i do on there i just do whatever.


End file.
